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This is the Pentagon, the world’s most important
shape, and headquarters of the United States

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Department of Defense.

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Inside this single building is the head of
the army, the head of the navy, the marines,

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the air force, the national guard, the coast
guard, most of our four-star generals, pretty

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much all of our classified military secrets,
an inexplicably-large archive of UFO videos,

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and one Dunkin’ Donuts.

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Now, if you’re the United States, it’s
very much in your best interest for this building

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to not explode, given that that would leave
Arlington with only fifteen remaining Dunkin’

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Donuts.

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And it shouldn’t come as a surprise that,
given the stakes, the Pentagon is one of the

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most secure buildings in the entire world.

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But then again, it kind of just looks like
a normal office building—so what, exactly,

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does the Pentagon do to keep all five of its
sides intact?

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When the Pentagon was first constructed, security
was not the top priority—it was built as

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quickly as possible, so as to speed up the
killing of Nazis, and was built as cheaply

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as possible, because we needed high-quality
steel to kill Nazis with.

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At the time, FDR was like, it’s fine, surely
no one will invent terrori0sm and blow up

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the Pentagon.

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Now, fast forward about five decades to 1990
and the US Department of Defense is under

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attack—not by terrorists, but by asbestos.

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This required tearing down this wedge of the
Pentagon and rebuilding it from scratch, so

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the DoD said, “hey, if we’re gonna rebuild
this part of the Pentagon from scratch, let’s

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build it with experimental world-class anti-terrorism
measures, just for fun.”

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And so they did, completing construction in
2001, just in time for al Qaeda to take it

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for a test run.

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Fortunately enough, the plane that crashed
into the Pentagon just so happened to crash

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into the special anti-terrorism wedge, which
is the last wedge you want to crash into if

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you’re trying to do terrorism.

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The outer walls of Wedge One had been reinforced
with steel beams, with a kevlar mesh stretched

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between them that prevented the destroyed
portions of the walls from becoming deadly

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shrapnel.

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Every window was made out of an inch and a
half thick pane of explosive-resistant glass

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that weighed 500 pounds, and none of them
managed to shatter, even though they were

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literally hit by an airplane.

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The DoD looked at this and said, “huh, well,
we should probably put that stuff in all the

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other parts of the Pentagon,” and thus,
Project Phoenix was born.

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Apart from renovating the building itself,
this massive effort to turn the Pentagon into

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one of the world’s most secure buildings
largely focused on the area surrounding the

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Pentagon.

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Two of the Pentagon’s biggest vulnerabilities,
for example, were here and here.

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For one, there was a metro station that fed
directly into the area under the Pentagon,

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so that entrance was closed to keep all access
points to the Pentagon above ground.

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The other problem was right here: Route 110.

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At the time, this unrestricted highway passed
directly next to the Pentagon, which meant

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that vehicles carrying anything scary, like
bombs or clowns, could get within meters of

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the building without undergoing any kind of
security screening.

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To remedy this problem, the Department of
Defense had the entire highway rerouted through

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the Pentagon’s north parking lot, creating
a sort of force-field around the building

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where no bombs or clowns could enter without
passing through a security checkpoint.

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So that’s the underground and the above
ground secure, but what about the above-above

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ground?

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Well that’s where everyone’s favorite
integrated air defense system—the National

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Capital Region Integrated Air Defense system—comes
in.

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Across the river here are a whole bunch of
radars, cameras, and other sensors that watch

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the airspace over DC and much of Virginia
and Maryland.

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If any aircraft enters that space that’s
not supposed to be there, this airbase will

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shine a laser at the cockpit that any trained
pilot will recognize as “please turn around

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before we replace this laser with something
more explosive.”

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Assuming they don’t turn around, the air
defense system can then use what they refer

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to as an “engagement asset,” which kind
of sounds like a beautiful diamond ring, but

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is actually one of the following missiles.

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Now, all of these external security features
aren’t worth much if you manage to get something

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dangerous—like, let’s say, a small clown
holding a bomb—inside the building.

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And that doesn’t seem like it should be
all that hard, given that you can just…

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ship stuff there.

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Like, here’s the mailing address for the
Secretary of Defense, go crazy.

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The Pentagon receives thousands of shipments
a day—so how do they stop your mail-bound

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bomb clown from planting his bomb in the Pentagon?

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Well, when you ship something to the Pentagon,
it doesn’t actually go to the Pentagon—it

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goes here: the Pentagon’s Remote Delivery
Facility.

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This was one of the most major renovations
of Project Phoenix; one of the Pentagon’s

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parking lots was torn out and replaced with
a dedicated mail-sorting facility with 38

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loading docks that’s nearly as big as the
Pentagon itself.

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After arriving at the RDF, each truck is searched
with mirrors, and then examined by canine

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teams to check for explosives.

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The drivers themselves then go through a metal
detector before they’re allowed to open

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the truck, and finally everything inside the
truck is thoroughly x-rayed.

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Once the team has removed the bomb from your
clown, then the neutralized clown can be sent

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through a tunnel to the Pentagon itself, to
do whatever it needs to do at the Pentagon

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without hurting anyone.

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So, there you go: successfully infiltrating
the Pentagon in the modern age is all but

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impossible.

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That is, unless, you’re this bunny, which
somehow, in February of 2022, managed to bypass

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every single security feature that I just
described without being detected and possibly

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proved that this whole thing doesn’t matter
and was just a giant waste of money.

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You know what else is a giant waste of money?

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