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DANCING MONSTER
Some of the weirdest games ever made came out\h\h

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of a time when the chance to be a game developer\h
was arguably a little easier than it is today.\h

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In the early to mid 80s when the ZX Spectrum and\h
Commodore 64 were ruling the roost in the UK,\h\h

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and the latter was doing very well in America\h
thank you very much, there were plenty of\h\h

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bright-eyed and bushy-tailed kids and young'uns\h
keen to cut their teeth in the gaming industry by\h\h

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making their own game. And they wouldn’t need to\h
rock up at a gaming company with a portfolio and a\h\h

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cover letter and fill out a form on a website that\h
literally just asks everything that was already\h\h

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answered in their uploaded CV – they’d just need\h
to respond to a publishing company’s call for new\h\h

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games by sending in their tapes. With a basic\h
knowledge code the home computers required,\h\h

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anyone could rustle up something great. Or\h
awful. Or, as in the case of this game, both.\h

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And with the then young gaming landscape\h
being so varied from big-named developers\h\h

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right down to some kid pissing about on his\h
parent's computer, the world of early gaming\h\h

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included a lot of bizarre games. Like\h
Dancing Monster, for the Commodore 64.\h

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The commodore 64 was released in 1982 and would\h
go on to be one of the bestselling computers\h\h

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ever. At a relatively affordable price point\h
and an eventual enormous library of games and\h\h

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software, this beige badlad was the darling of\h
affordable home computing throughout the 80s.\h

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Interestingly, the popularity of video games\h
on the computer was so great that Commodore\h\h

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went ahead and made their own games system out\h
of the computer - the unimaginatively-named\h\h

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commodore 64 games system. Or the\h
C64GS. Rolls right off the tongue.\h

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This console was released in 1990,\h
trying to slip its way in between\h\h

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the game giants Sega and Nintendo. Which is,\h
retrospectively, adorable. And very stupid.\h

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The main problem with the C64GS was that\h
it had been designed without the pretty\h\h

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key aspect of a commodore 64 - the\h
keyboard. Games which were more than\h\h

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playable on the system couldn't even be\h
started if they required the player to\h\h

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'press any key' or the like the get the\h
game booted. Unsurprisingly, it flopped.\h

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Wow, I really got sidetracked\h
there. Where were we?\h

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In any case, the fact the company would\h
eventually release a gaming system version\h\h

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of their successful product is proof of how\h
popular gaming on the commodore 64 would\h\h

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become. It's thus interesting to look back on\h
the earlier titles in the Commodore 64 gaming\h\h

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library - ones that make you surprised that\h
gamers didn't just pack in gaming altogether\h\h

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and go off and get into comics or films or\h
cultivating a crippling sense of ennui instead.

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Now this video is sponsored by\h
Lost in Cult, which is great,\h\h

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because I am a BIG fan of their work.\h
This one is frickin’ amazing!...\h

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…and they've got a new one\h
up for pre-order right now.

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THE CONSOLE CHRONICLES.

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This is a premium video game book from the\h
creators of A Handheld History and Lock-on.

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You get a 400 page hardcover book,\h
beautifully designed, filled with\h\h

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original artwork and input from video game\h
experts, influencers and writers in the field.

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The focus here is the video game console, and it's\h
history, spanning 50 years from Atari to Sega,\h\h

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Nintendo, Sony... come on you know all the\h
brands, I don't need to tell you any of this.

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Made in collaboration with HookShot\h
media, the people behind Nintendo Life,\h\h

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Push Square and loads more, this is a\h
book you must have for your collection.\h

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I certainly will be getting it
So, click the link below,\h\h

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grab yourself a copy as soon as you\h
possibly can. You won’t regret it.

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Now before I go into Dancing Monster for the\h
commodore 64, I should say that the entire game\h\h

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is shrouded in a cloud of mystery. Informational\h
articles about the game are especially sparse\h\h

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online. The writer of this script (Octavius)\h
really had to do some digging to get even\h\h

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the slightest sliver of info regarding where\h
the bobbins a game like this would come from.\h

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Dancing Monster was published by\h
commodore business machines Ltd,\h\h

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hereafter referred to with the initialism CBM, in\h
1983. Very early on in the 1982 computer's life.\h

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Commodore published several games under this\h
long-winded business title, both games developed\h\h

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internally and ones from third party developers.\h
Dancing Monster is sometimes credited as being\h\h

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developed by CBM, but the title screen credits\h
only Peter Dekany and Denes Baan. Two people\h\h

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who apparently disappeared off the face of\h
the earth after making this game. Were they\h\h

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bedroom coders? Were they hired outright\h
by Commodore? Stick around till the end,\h\h

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because I might have the answers.
We're getting ahead of ourselves\h\h

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here. Let's take a quick look at the cover art\h
and read the blurb so we know what to expect.\h

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Doesn't that cover art look great? Classic\h
design, interesting and foreboding and a bit\h\h

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creepy. Some poor lass has got herself caught\h
by a lad in a cape who is now lecturing her. No\h\h

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wonder she looks so absolutely done. She’s\h
shackled to the wall, so it's not like she\h\h

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can move to another carriage like commuters\h
on the Victoria line do when one of those\h\h

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public preachers decide we need to hear about\h
brimstone at quarter past eight in the morning.\h

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The only way this situation could be worse is\h
if he's reading her his self-insert Thundercats\h\h

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fanfiction. Chaining people to the wall is\h
the only way to get them to listen to that,\h\h

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in my experience. It's bullshit the\h
publishers of my retro tech books\h\h

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weren't interested in my erotic He-Man crossover.
As you might have guessed this game features that\h\h

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persistent trope of a princess needing\h
to be rescued. Yes, in fantasy fiction\h\h

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princesses are useless at not getting nicked.\h
Nice of the guy to let her keep her crown on,\h\h

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it’s good to have a political prisoner\h
display the pointless excess of her entitled\h\h

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existence. But...where's the monster?
Well, what we are seeing on the cover\h\h

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art might be the scene just before this game\h
all kicks off. According to the instructions,\h\h

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this weirdo is an evil wizard who is about to\h
change the princess into a hideous monster. Oh no.\h

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Why is he doing that? No idea. For the lolz,\h
presumably. A main hobby for a super evil wizard\h\h

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is to evily turn attractive people ugly like a\h
totally evil bastard. Presumably immediately after\h\h

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evily setting default browsers to Microsoft\h
Edge, and evily asking the IT department to\h\h

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fix something without putting in a ticket first.\h
What a terrible git this wizard is. So, so evil.\h

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He's also going to have her dance forever to\h
his, quote, 'evil music'. This is so incredibly\h\h

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evil even the sound waves are nefarious. I'd\h
never known of music being described as evil\h\h

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before, but I do think I experience it when my\h
children ask Alexa to play their Spotify playlist\h\h

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before I can bundle out of the room in time.
The aim of the game is to rescue this princess\h\h

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from a terrible fate of dancing forever to the\h
1980s commodore 64 version of a kid rock track,\h\h

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one would assume. We better go and help her out.
What a lovely title screen. Unassuming,\h\h

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simple. Our two developers get name checked right\h
away. They must be proud of their work. I like how\h\h

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the title lettering looks like it was scribbled\h
on the back of a textbook by a 13-year-old girl.\h

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To start I'm going to go with the\h
slow setting. There's not a lot of\h\h

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difference between the settings - slow,\h
medium, fast and very fast, but I’ll get\h\h

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to that in a moment. Let's help the princess.
[CONTEXT: NERD LOOKING AT THE SCREEN IN HORROR,\h\h

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NOT PLAYING IT YET. THERE WILL\h
BE SOME ZOOM-INS ON THE MONSTER’S\h\h

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FACE CUT IN WITH ZOOM INS ON NERD’S FACE.]
The monster the super evil wizard turned this poor\h\h

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girl into is indeed, unutterably horrifying. It's\h
a Frankenstein’s mishmash of monster parts - two\h\h

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black horns, a big pink trunk, flicky green\h
tail and of course a pair of Levis. You know,\h\h

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Levi jeans? A common part of any monster anatomy.
Now that the princess has been turned into this\h\h

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purple elephant monster, she's cursed to keep\h
dancing to the evil music we were told about. And\h\h

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she really does move. The girl could utterly cut\h
up the dance floor on a Friday night, her talents\h\h

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are being wasted here in this...very brown place.\h
Where is she? Is she dancing in a field of mud?\h\h

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You're going to ruin your Levis, mate.
Poor thing has messed her lipstick,\h\h

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look. To be fair to her, must have been hard\h
to put on with that big trunk in the way,\h\h

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but it’s nice even looking how she does she’s\h
attempted to take some pride in her appearance.\h\h

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She's got a blue tongue too. That means she's\h
either got cyanosis, which is an illness from\h\h

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lack of oxygen in the bloodstream, or she's\h
just downed a bottle of WKD blue. Judging by\h\h

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how she's dancing, I think it's the latter.
By the way, no one tell YouTube that this\h\h

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is a female character. She is topless\h
and her nipples are showing and are,\h\h

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according to terms of service, offensive\h
and need blurring. Yes, even pixel nipples\h\h

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have a double standard. Ridiculous, isn’t it?
Where did those jeans come from? She's not wearing\h\h

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them on the cover art. Did the evil wizard magic\h
them onto her because they are a terrible fit,\h\h

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just to add insult to injury? They look\h
like the kind of jeans you see on white\h\h

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middle-aged dads. She ought to have bright\h
white trainers, reflective sunglasses and a\h\h

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rolled-up leaflet in her hand to complete\h
the 50-year-old-dad at Disneyland look.\h

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So how are we going to help\h
her? We're going to shoot her.\h

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Yes, taking a leaf right out of certain law\h
enforcement's book, we're going to diffuse\h\h

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the situation by offloading bullets into it.
On the Commodore 64, you wouldn’t be able to\h\h

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play this without a joystick. You move this cursor\h
around and try to shoot particular parts of the\h\h

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princess' body - which is harder than it looks\h
because she's clearly three WKD blues deep and\h\h

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Grease Megamix has just come on in the club.
(to the tune of ‘the one that I want’) “I’ve\h\h

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got chiiiiillls. You’re terrifying.”
On the top is an indicator which goes\h\h

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down the longer you leave it between shots.\h
Stop shooting and you lose the game. But\h\h

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keep constantly shooting, and parts of her\h
body that you shoot off will grow back. This\h\h

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means you must be accurate - no frantic button\h
mashing here. You need to be shooting the part\h\h

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of the body indicated up here. So now I need to\h
shoot the horns, now the trunk, now the ears.\h

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The body parts always need to be shot off\h
in an order, unless one of them grows back\h\h

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seemingly at random. If you’re quick enough and\h
none of the parts go back, the order is horns,\h\h

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ears, trunk, tongue, tail, arms, then legs.
If she wasn't horrifying enough, the nightmare\h\h

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fuel that presents itself once you get that\h
trunk off is truly something to behold. Yes,\h\h

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this game was intended for children. What child\h
would look at this joker-esque mouth and buggy\h\h

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eyes and be able to sleep again? I'm in my forties\h
and I'm deeply uncomfortable seeing this thing.\h

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The little scream she does when a part of her\h
gets shot off is not nice to hear. Thankfully\h\h

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it’s drowned out by the 'evil' music. Namely,\h
a modified version of Edvard Grieg's In the\h\h

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Hall of the Mountain King. It's nice to hear\h
the first time around and is certainly fitting\h\h

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with the overall...er, experience. But it\h
does get annoying after the millionth loop.\h

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Look at this. I'm playing a kids' game in which\h
I'm watching a terrified, armless torso of a girl\h\h

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wobble and gyrate back and forth in jeans. This is\h
straight out of a bestgore video. Look at this and\h\h

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tell me there's a god. Go on.
At this rate, I'm going to\h\h

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have to down some WKD blue myself.
Here's what happens if you don't manage to shoot\h\h

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the princess to bits in time. Still in her monster\h
form, she trudges dejectedly off the screen. Where\h\h

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is she going? To attack the nearest village? To\h
be chased by angry peasants wielding pitchforks?\h\h

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Or maybe to lob herself into oncoming traffic.
The difference between slow mode and very fast\h\h

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mode isn't that great. The latter is certainly\h
harder, but only because she moves around a lot\h\h

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more rather than a huge amount quicker.\h
That being said, it's still winnable in a\h\h

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couple of minutes. It's not an especially\h
difficult game. Once you know the order\h\h

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and her little dance moves, you're good to go.
While the dancing itself is randomised and you\h\h

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can't necessarily tell what move she's going to\h
throw out next, the moves she does tend to repeat\h\h

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for a few bars. For example, when she wiggles\h
her tail at you. Like this. The moves are short,\h\h

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but more than long enough for you to position\h
your cursor and shoot at the right moment.\h

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And once you've shot off all the\h
pieces, here you go - the win screen.\h

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Our monster is engulfed in magic, and her true\h
form is revealed. A purple woman. Who is not\h\h

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wearing jeans. She doesn’t look hugely pleased\h
at being saved, but she's probably very hungover.\h

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And that’s it. No little message of\h
congratulation, no update on what the evil\h\h

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wizard is up to now. Just one purple princess,\h
staring at you from a blue screen. Fantastic.\h

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Is it a bad game? Yes. Is it an awful game? No.\h
It's functional, it does what it sets out to\h\h

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do. It's playable in every sense of the word.\h
And the fact it’s so delightfully weird makes\h\h

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it go right back around again to being sort\h
of awesome. In a terrible, confounding way.\h

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But despite it being so bizarre and\h
remembered by many traumatised then-children,\h\h

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getting information on it is not easy.
Who were Peter Dekany and Denes Baan? Did they\h\h

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work at Commodore? Did they make the game and send\h
it in the be published by the computer company?\h\h

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Were they even of this world at all? Did they both\h
slip in through a dimensional rift, give us this\h\h

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game, and then fold back into their own time?
Well thanks to getting someone else to spend\h\h

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precious days of their life to research and\h
write this script for me, I may have the answer.\h

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In the May 1984 commodore horizons\h
magazine, there's an interview with\h\h

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one Andromeda Software's David Bishop. He talks\h
about the benefits of recruiting developers from\h\h

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countries not entirely customised with arcade\h
games. Namely, how specifically Hungarian\h\h

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developers come up with original game content\h
due to not having been widely exposed to games\h\h

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such as Pacman, space invaders etc.
Those names on the title screen for\h\h

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Dancing Monster make more sense\h
now. They must be Hungarian.\h

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According to Bishop, in 1982 Andromeda Software\h
put out feelers for developers in Hungary by\h\h

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putting on competitions - inviting bedroom coders,\h
storytellers and computer whizzes alike to submit\h\h

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their games, or even just their game ideas.
"We had about 1500 ideas submitted to us,\h\h

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in all kinds of formats. Some came in as\h
sketches, some as complete storyboards."\h

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It's a little unclear whether Bishop took on\h
developers from this competition, or they were\h\h

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on his books from Hungarian connections he had\h
already made thanks to Andromeda's parent company,\h\h

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and connections from CBM itself. In any case, the\h
plan was to develop software which would then be\h\h

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licenced to external software houses. Andromeda\h
would act as a sort of intermediary, if you will.\h

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Parent company Vulcan Media's managing\h
director Robert Stein, a Hungarian himself,\h\h

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notes that some of the games Andromeda were\h
working on had aspects of "Hungarian character"\h\h

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in the concepts and characters. This is when he\h
mentions Dancing Monster specifically, saying:\h

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"In commodores dancing monster\h
we have the ridiculous dancing\h\h

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creature with the elephant's trunk."
This is supposedly 'typical of Hungarian\h\h

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sense of humour'. I did try to find out if\h
terrifying elephant-nosed creatures have\h\h

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some sort of satirical meaning in Hungary\h
but was unsuccessful. Or maybe the wearing\h\h

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of the jeans is a joke? According to some\h
articles which I'll link in the description,\h\h

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blue jeans first rocked up in Hungary in\h
the 1960s and were super hard to get hold\h\h

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of because of the lack of cheap production\h
methods, and a bit of a crackdown on anything\h\h

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indicative of western culture influences.
By the time this game was released however,\h\h

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jeans were so popular with the general public that\h
local manufacturers made a point of getting hold\h\h

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of the licence to make brand name products. if\h
you're Hungarian and can enlighten us on what\h\h

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in the utter bobbins the significance of jeans in\h
dancing monster is please do so in the comments.

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The story of a princess being cursed rather than\h
a dancing monster is definitely more reminiscent\h\h

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of a fairy tale. There is a fairy tale apparently\h
popular in Hungary. Apparently originally told in\h\h

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Denmark, the story, “The Princess in the Chest”\h
has various versions across Europe. It is retold\h\h

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in Hungary as a popular story for children, about\h
a Princess who turns into a monster, every night.

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A King and a Queen were desperate to have a child.
So desperate that the Queen\h\h

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went to a Witch for help.
The Witch told her that if she\h\h

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ate a bird from a special tree, then she would\h
have a daughter. But if anyone set eyes on her\h\h

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before her 14th birthday, the King would need\h
to choose one of three things to bring her to\h\h

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life again. A pestilence, a devastating war,\h
or putting the girl’s dead body in a coffin,\h\h

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that must be watched over each day, for a year.
Just a day before her 14th birthday, the King\h\h

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could not take it any longer. He glimpsed his\h
daughter, and now she was cursed. Panicking,\h\h

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he chose to lay her now dead body, into a wooden\h
coffin. Setting a soldier to guard the crypt,\h\h

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he retired to mourn. Every morning, all that\h
was left of the sentinel, was a pile of bones.\h

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One day a stranger came to town looking\h
for work. The soldiers got him drunk,\h\h

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and convinced him to take the King’s job, of\h
guarding the princess’s coffin. He agreed,\h\h

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but tried to flee when he sobered up in the\h
darkness, only to be stopped by a strange man.\h

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The man told him, that he must hide in the\h
pulpit, and stay there until he heard the\h\h

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coffin lid slam. In the crypt, the stranger hid\h
in the pulpit. He heard the coffin lid smash\h\h

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open. The princess, Skeletal and pale, lurched\h
in the darkness, looking for the sentinel. But\h\h

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when midnight struck, she returned to her coffin.
The next night, the man told the stranger to stand\h\h

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at the altar and hold a prayer book. Sure enough,\h
the monstrous Princess couldn’t find the stranger,\h\h

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and returned to her grave. On the third night, the\h
man told the stranger to hide, in the monster’s\h\h

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coffin. So he did. Slamming the lid closed,\h
after her corpse began stalking the stones.\h

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She screamed, begged, thumped on the\h
coffin lid, but he did not open it.\h

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When dawn came, the stranger opened the\h
coffin lid to see the Princess human,\h\h

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and very much alive, sleeping\h
on the sun drenched stones.

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There you go, a popular fairy tale, about\h
a princess who turns into a monster.\h\h

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Another popular Hungarian folk tale is the\h
retelling of another popular European fairy\h\h

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tale. The twelve dancing princesses.
There once was a king who had twelve\h\h

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daughters. All but one wore out many pairs of\h
shoes each night, and the king had no idea why.\h

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He promised the twelfth princess in marriage\h
to the first man who could expose the secret.\h

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One day a shepherd boy came to the court\h
with secrets of his own. A pelt that could\h\h

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turn invisible, and a bag that could never\h
be filled. That night he donned the pelt\h\h

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and sneaked into the princesses room. That’s\h
when he saw a spirit fly into the window and\h\h

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wake all but the twelfth princess.
Excited they started to get ready.\h

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The shepard awoke the final, now confused\h
princess. The sisters were worried that\h\h

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they would tell the King their secret.\h
So, they invited her along for the night.\h

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They first came to a copper forest, then\h
to a silver forest, and finally a golden\h\h

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forest. At each one they drank from\h
copper, silver and finally gold cups.\h

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Unseen, the shepard took a cup\h
from each, into his bottomless bag.\h

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They arrived at a great mountain. The\h
spirit tapped the rocky face with a\h\h

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want. It split open to reveal a\h
lavish ballroom full of magical\h\h

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creatures dancing. The princesses danced\h
all night wearing out many pairs of shoes.\h

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When the sun peeked through the clouds.\h
The eleven princesses, and the confused,\h\h

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twelfth princess, rushed back into their\h
beds as if they had slept all night.\h

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The shepherd went to the King and told him\h
what he had seen, showing the cups as proof.\h

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Satisfied, the King have him the\h
twelfth princess in marriage.\h

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The other princesses weren’t so\h
lucky. The King had them burned alive.

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That’s the only bit of Hungarian folklore\h
concerning a Dancing Princess the writer\h\h

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of this script could find. Cute isn’t it?
Are those Hungarian folklores influences\h\h

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on Dancing Monster? Possibly, I’d like to\h
think that the creators of Dancing Monster\h\h

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were making their own slant on the whimsical\h
tales they heard as children. With the express\h\h

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purpose of traumatising a whole new generation\h
of children with a trunk faced dancing monster.

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Bishop says that the games Andromeda made all\h
started off with a storyboarded game idea. Then\h\h

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the appropriate developers were brought on and\h
details were ironed out. After that, Andromeda\h\h

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would set up a bidding war between software\h
houses. That must mean Commodore’s CBM itself\h\h

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saw this utter horror and from some reason\h
smashed their money down on the table.\h

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Sold!
Although\h\h

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Bishop says Andromeda wouldn't simply accept\h
the biggest bid; they would always take into\h\h

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account the distribution network and publisher’s\h
commitment to the game itself. That being said, he\h\h

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notes specifically that Commodore,\h
despite having secured Dancing Monster,\h\h

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didn't do very much promotion despite it being,\h
and I quote 'a very good game'. Okay, mate. Sure.\h

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At the article’s publishing, a comparatively\h
massive 180 people combined were working\h\h

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on games for Andromeda. Our two credited\h
individuals for Dancing Monster among them.\h

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And that's where the trail ends. The writer of\h
this script could not find out if either of them\h\h

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were the ones responsible for the idea, or the\h
extent to which either of the developed the game.\h

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In 1983 Commodore released Dancing Monster\h
as part of a compilation edition of five\h\h

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fantasy-based games. Just to really make sure\h
as many children were traumatised as possible.\h

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Well that's Dancing Monster, one of the weirder\h
retro games you'll find yourself...exposed to.