"COME ONNNN. GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEE!"
In 1994 Microsoft was becoming huge.\h A giant monolith of an organisation,\h\h
the like of which we had never seen. It dominated\h computers already, Windows 95 was on the horizon,\h\h
and it was about to do something else, something\h unprecedented. You guessed it, acquiring the Roman\h\h
Catholic Church, marking “the first time\h a computer software company has acquired\h\h
a world religion” and giving Microsoft\h exclusive electronic rights to the Bible.
Yes, on Wednesday 11th December 1994, the\h following press released was apparently issued\h\h
by the Associated Press, with the headline\h “Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church”
VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint\h press conference in St. Peter’s\h\h
Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp.\h and the Vatican announced that the\h\h
Redmond software giant will acquire the\h Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an\h\h
unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT\h common stock. If the deal goes through,\h\h
it will be the first time a computer software\h company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will\h become the senior vice-president of the combined\h\h
company’s new Religious Software Division, while\h MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples\h\h
and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College\h of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
“We expect a lot of growth in the\h religious market in the next five\h\h
to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined\h resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic\h\h
Church will allow us to make religion easier\h and more fun for a broader range of people.”
Through the MICROSOFT Network,\h the company’s new on-line service,\h\h
“we will make the sacraments available\h on-line for the first time” and revive the\h\h
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice\h of selling indulgences, said Gates.
“You can get Communion, confess your sins,\h receive absolution — even reduce your\h\h
time in Purgatory — all without leaving\h your home.” A new software application,\h\h
MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro\h language which you can program to\h\h
download heavenly graces automatically\h while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended\h the announcement in St Peter’s Square,\h\h
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian\h Don Novello — in character as Father\h\h
Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was\h broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the\h announcement. When Novello chided Gates,\h\h
“Now I guess you get to wear one of\h these pointy hats,” the crowd roared,\h\h
but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained. The\h deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic\h\h
rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized\h art collection, which includes works by such\h\h
masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics\h say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it\h\h
attempts to limit competitors’ access\h to these key intellectual properties.
Of course, the tongue in cheek nature of this\h press release is evident throughout. Talk of\h\h
Microsoft Church software to download heavenly\h graces or Steve Ballmer invested in the College\h\h
of Cardinals are hilarious notions, but yet,\h this news item was actually believed by some\h\h
people. To the point where it was reported\h to have “generated a flood of angry telephone\h\h
calls and electronic mail messages to the\h company”. So then, on the 16th December 1994,\h\h
Microsoft decided to issue a statement denying\h the claims and setting things straight.
“The Story has no truth to it. The company\h is not aware how the electronic message\h\h
originated and extends an apology to\h anyone who may have taken offense to it”.
This response is arguably\h funnier than the initial hoax,\h\h
and in fact just spread the\h story further and wider.
The Vatican itself declined to comment.
However, the public affairs director for the\h Archdiocese of Seattle; John McCoy released his\h\h
own press piece titled “A Christmas Musing” where\h he stated that he as “profoundly disappointed that\h\h
Microsoft doesn’t want to buy the church”…\h “We could have had a material as well as a\h\h
spiritual Christmas”.. “We could have had a\h software bonanza in the collection basket”.
He then went on to list a host of reasons why the\h\h
Church of Microsoft deal might\h have been mutually beneficial;
“We’ve had 2,000 years of working with icons.\h Microsoft Windows has only done it for three”
“Heaven knows some of these tomes\h in the Vatican Library are musty and\h\h
cumber-some. With Microsoft we could\h have quickly downloaded canon law”
“We could have introduced\h ‘Father Online’. No wait,\h\h
no hours, no congestion in the church parking lot”
Despite the clear tongue-in-cheek nature,\h\h
an AP reporter still called him\h to confirm how serious he was”
No one really seemed to know who created the\h original press release. With The Associated\h\h
Press flat out denying it came from them.\h This was a case of something appearing,\h\h
and even without social media, spreading far\h and wide in a short space of time. With internet\h\h
anonymity at its peak, and people unable to\h determine whether you’re a dog or not, it proved\h\h
too difficult to track, however, within days of\h it happening, further releases followed suit.
IBM Buys Episcopal Church Not to be outdone,\h\h
on Thursday 12th December 1994….
“The Chairman of IBM announced today that,\h in response to Microsoft Corp.’s acquisition\h\h
of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has bid\h for and acquired the Protestant Episcopal\h\h
Church in the United States of America\h for $1 billion. “We are the oldest and\h\h
most prestigious computer company in the\h world,” he said, “and we cannot be seen\h\h
to be lagging behind in the race for preeminence\h in the religious software and hardware markets.\h\h
We have tendered an offer to the Most. Rev.\h Edmund Browning, Presiding Bishop of the\h\h
Episcopal Church and Pamela Chinnis, President\h of the House of Deputies of General Convention,\h\h
and they have recommended acceptance\h to the shareholders/communicants.” The\h\h
Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most\h respected denominations in the United States.”
Then from the apparent email address\h sarducci@vatican.rai.net, we had.
” RAI INVESTS $125 MILLION IN MICROSOFT NETWORK VATICAN CITY — A division of Italian\h\h
television giant RAI said Wednesday it has invested\h\h
$125 million for a 20 percent stake in Microsoft Corp.’s planned on-line computer\h\h
service, The Microsoft Divine Network.”
This tooing and throwing went on for a while. Most\h people got the jokes. Some didn’t. Some passed it\h\h
around like it was the literal gospel.\h Something that we’re all too aware of,\h\h
still happens today, with people\h sharing whatever apparent news fits\h\h
their fears and narratives regardless of\h whether there is a shed of truth to it.
Rumours are powerful, even when they’re\h not true. They can be used to make jokes,\h\h
but how many times has a false rumour\h been spread in order to discredit. How\h\h
many times has a false rumour been\h spread to belittle an opponent,\h\h
and how many times has a false rumour been\h spread to try and wipe out the competition.
Even in the 90s companies like Procter & Gamble\h had been fighting suggestions that its logo was\h\h
satanic, and who could forget the rumour about\h Prince’s lower rib, or Marilyn Manson’s if you\h\h
were a little bit younger, and don’t\h even get me started about politics….
"COME ONNNN. GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEE!"
But this particular example was not malicious,\h it was not designed to direct hatred or blame.\h\h
It was a pure hoax. In fact, it’s really the first\h internet hoax to reach a mass audience and attract\h\h
a significant amount of media attention. Even in\h these incredibly early days of the world wide web,\h\h
it showed the power of the net to disseminate\h information, in ways that completely sidestepped\h\h
the traditional gatekeepers of the media, and\h that caused the media to stand up, learn about\h\h
this new medium and pay attention. It shifted\h the entire landscape of what the internet was.
In response to the flurry of misinformation,\h pranks and propoganda that were appearing across\h\h
the world wide web, the seeds of websites like\h Snopes were born. What started as a usenet group,\h\h
Alt.Folklore.Urban, would propagate\h onto the website urbanlegends.com,\h\h
with various categories dealing with everything\h from snuff movies to the Disney Donald Duck ban,\h\h
before finally becoming its current form.
In addition this also led to one of the\h first dynamic memes, known as the Microsoft\h\h
Acquires meme, where Microsoft was depicted\h as acquiring everything. I mean everything.
Of course in reality, well, Microsoft were\h actually acquiring everything as well…
It was also jested that Microsoft put an end to\h\h
the joke by trademarking the\h phrase “Microsoft Acquires”.
It’s actually something I miss today. The\h amount of satire and jokes directed at one\h\h
single company were on a scale that we’ve\h barely witnessed since. People might have\h\h
different views about Bill Gates, but he\h was a good target, and for the most part,\h\h
took most stuff in pretty good humour. There\h were even entire books dedicated to the subject;
How many Microsoft employees does\h it take to improve a lightbulb?
Two: one to find a small, clever startup\h company that’s improved the lightbulb,\h\h
and one to buy the company.
Huh, reminds me of another billionaire who’s\h\h
more relevant today than Bill Gates. You\h know who it is. I don’t need to tell you.
As for Microsoft, well today, it just\h feels like a dry husk of what it was.
"COME ONNNN. GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEE!"
Remember scenes like this when\h new operating systems came out…..
Imagine that happening today with Windows\h 12. It wouldn’t. If anything there would\h\h
be mild discontent that a new operating system\h was being launched, presumably for the worse.
In part, that’s due to the times, the changes\h in how we use and approach computers. It’s\h\h
also in part because computers just aren’t\h as exciting as they used to be. But also,\h\h
it’s because Microsoft just isn’t in the news\h as much. It’s not the butt of as many jokes,\h\h
and it certainly doesn’t have a CEO\h who’s in the news for good or bad.
Again, that position is now taken by someone else.
Clearly as a society, we need a rich American\h business tycoon to fill a certain weird void.
But I’ll be honest, I miss it being Bill Gates.
Until next time I’ve been Nostalgia Nerd.
Toodleoo.