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"COME ONNNN. GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEE!"

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In 1994 Microsoft was becoming huge.\h
A giant monolith of an organisation,\h\h

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the like of which we had never seen. It dominated\h
computers already, Windows 95 was on the horizon,\h\h

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and it was about to do something else, something\h
unprecedented. You guessed it, acquiring the Roman\h\h

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Catholic Church, marking “the first time\h
a computer software company has acquired\h\h

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a world religion” and giving Microsoft\h
exclusive electronic rights to the Bible.

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Yes, on Wednesday 11th December 1994, the\h
following press released was apparently issued\h\h

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by the Associated Press, with the headline\h
“Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church”

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VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint\h
press conference in St. Peter’s\h\h

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Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp.\h
and the Vatican announced that the\h\h

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Redmond software giant will acquire the\h
Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an\h\h

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unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT\h
common stock. If the deal goes through,\h\h

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it will be the first time a computer software\h
company has acquired a major world religion.

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With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will\h
become the senior vice-president of the combined\h\h

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company’s new Religious Software Division, while\h
MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples\h\h

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and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College\h
of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

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“We expect a lot of growth in the\h
religious market in the next five\h\h

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to ten years,” said Gates. “The combined\h
resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic\h\h

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Church will allow us to make religion easier\h
and more fun for a broader range of people.”

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Through the MICROSOFT Network,\h
the company’s new on-line service,\h\h

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“we will make the sacraments available\h
on-line for the first time” and revive the\h\h

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popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice\h
of selling indulgences, said Gates.

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“You can get Communion, confess your sins,\h
receive absolution — even reduce your\h\h

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time in Purgatory — all without leaving\h
your home.” A new software application,\h\h

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MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro\h
language which you can program to\h\h

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download heavenly graces automatically\h
while you are away from your computer.

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An estimated 17,000 people attended\h
the announcement in St Peter’s Square,\h\h

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watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian\h
Don Novello — in character as Father\h\h

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Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was\h
broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

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Pope John Paul II said little during the\h
announcement. When Novello chided Gates,\h\h

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“Now I guess you get to wear one of\h
these pointy hats,” the crowd roared,\h\h

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but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained. The\h
deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic\h\h

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rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized\h
art collection, which includes works by such\h\h

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masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics\h
say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it\h\h

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attempts to limit competitors’ access\h
to these key intellectual properties.

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Of course, the tongue in cheek nature of this\h
press release is evident throughout. Talk of\h\h

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Microsoft Church software to download heavenly\h
graces or Steve Ballmer invested in the College\h\h

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of Cardinals are hilarious notions, but yet,\h
this news item was actually believed by some\h\h

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people. To the point where it was reported\h
to have “generated a flood of angry telephone\h\h

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calls and electronic mail messages to the\h
company”. So then, on the 16th December 1994,\h\h

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Microsoft decided to issue a statement denying\h
the claims and setting things straight.

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“The Story has no truth to it. The company\h
is not aware how the electronic message\h\h

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originated and extends an apology to\h
anyone who may have taken offense to it”.

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This response is arguably\h
funnier than the initial hoax,\h\h

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and in fact just spread the\h
story further and wider.

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The Vatican itself declined to comment.

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However, the public affairs director for the\h
Archdiocese of Seattle; John McCoy released his\h\h

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own press piece titled “A Christmas Musing” where\h
he stated that he as “profoundly disappointed that\h\h

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Microsoft doesn’t want to buy the church”…\h
“We could have had a material as well as a\h\h

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spiritual Christmas”.. “We could have had a\h
software bonanza in the collection basket”.

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He then went on to list a host of reasons why the\h\h

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Church of Microsoft deal might\h
have been mutually beneficial;

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“We’ve had 2,000 years of working with icons.\h
Microsoft Windows has only done it for three”

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“Heaven knows some of these tomes\h
in the Vatican Library are musty and\h\h

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cumber-some. With Microsoft we could\h
have quickly downloaded canon law”

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“We could have introduced\h
‘Father Online’. No wait,\h\h

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no hours, no congestion in the church parking lot”

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Despite the clear tongue-in-cheek nature,\h\h

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an AP reporter still called him\h
to confirm how serious he was”

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No one really seemed to know who created the\h
original press release. With The Associated\h\h

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Press flat out denying it came from them.\h
This was a case of something appearing,\h\h

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and even without social media, spreading far\h
and wide in a short space of time. With internet\h\h

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anonymity at its peak, and people unable to\h
determine whether you’re a dog or not, it proved\h\h

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too difficult to track, however, within days of\h
it happening, further releases followed suit.

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IBM Buys Episcopal Church
Not to be outdone,\h\h

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on Thursday 12th December 1994….

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“The Chairman of IBM announced today that,\h
in response to Microsoft Corp.’s acquisition\h\h

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of the Roman Catholic Church, IBM has bid\h
for and acquired the Protestant Episcopal\h\h

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Church in the United States of America\h
for $1 billion. “We are the oldest and\h\h

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most prestigious computer company in the\h
world,” he said, “and we cannot be seen\h\h

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to be lagging behind in the race for preeminence\h
in the religious software and hardware markets.\h\h

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We have tendered an offer to the Most. Rev.\h
Edmund Browning, Presiding Bishop of the\h\h

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Episcopal Church and Pamela Chinnis, President\h
of the House of Deputies of General Convention,\h\h

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and they have recommended acceptance\h
to the shareholders/communicants.” The\h\h

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Episcopal Church is one of the oldest and most\h
respected denominations in the United States.”

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Then from the apparent email address\h
sarducci@vatican.rai.net, we had.

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” RAI INVESTS $125 MILLION IN MICROSOFT NETWORK
VATICAN CITY — A division of Italian\h\h

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television giant RAI said
Wednesday it has invested\h\h

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$125 million for a 20 percent stake in
Microsoft Corp.’s planned on-line computer\h\h

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service, The Microsoft
Divine Network.”

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This tooing and throwing went on for a while. Most\h
people got the jokes. Some didn’t. Some passed it\h\h

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around like it was the literal gospel.\h
Something that we’re all too aware of,\h\h

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still happens today, with people\h
sharing whatever apparent news fits\h\h

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their fears and narratives regardless of\h
whether there is a shed of truth to it.

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Rumours are powerful, even when they’re\h
not true. They can be used to make jokes,\h\h

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but how many times has a false rumour\h
been spread in order to discredit. How\h\h

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many times has a false rumour been\h
spread to belittle an opponent,\h\h

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and how many times has a false rumour been\h
spread to try and wipe out the competition.

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Even in the 90s companies like Procter & Gamble\h
had been fighting suggestions that its logo was\h\h

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satanic, and who could forget the rumour about\h
Prince’s lower rib, or Marilyn Manson’s if you\h\h

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were a little bit younger, and don’t\h
even get me started about politics….

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"COME ONNNN. GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEE!"

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But this particular example was not malicious,\h
it was not designed to direct hatred or blame.\h\h

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It was a pure hoax. In fact, it’s really the first\h
internet hoax to reach a mass audience and attract\h\h

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a significant amount of media attention. Even in\h
these incredibly early days of the world wide web,\h\h

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it showed the power of the net to disseminate\h
information, in ways that completely sidestepped\h\h

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the traditional gatekeepers of the media, and\h
that caused the media to stand up, learn about\h\h

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this new medium and pay attention. It shifted\h
the entire landscape of what the internet was.

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In response to the flurry of misinformation,\h
pranks and propoganda that were appearing across\h\h

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the world wide web, the seeds of websites like\h
Snopes were born. What started as a usenet group,\h\h

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Alt.Folklore.Urban, would propagate\h
onto the website urbanlegends.com,\h\h

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with various categories dealing with everything\h
from snuff movies to the Disney Donald Duck ban,\h\h

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before finally becoming its current form.

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In addition this also led to one of the\h
first dynamic memes, known as the Microsoft\h\h

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Acquires meme, where Microsoft was depicted\h
as acquiring everything. I mean everything.

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Of course in reality, well, Microsoft were\h
actually acquiring everything as well…

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It was also jested that Microsoft put an end to\h\h

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the joke by trademarking the\h
phrase “Microsoft Acquires”.

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It’s actually something I miss today. The\h
amount of satire and jokes directed at one\h\h

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single company were on a scale that we’ve\h
barely witnessed since. People might have\h\h

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different views about Bill Gates, but he\h
was a good target, and for the most part,\h\h

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took most stuff in pretty good humour. There\h
were even entire books dedicated to the subject;

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How many Microsoft employees does\h
it take to improve a lightbulb?

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Two: one to find a small, clever startup\h
company that’s improved the lightbulb,\h\h

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and one to buy the company.

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Huh, reminds me of another billionaire who’s\h\h

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more relevant today than Bill Gates. You\h
know who it is. I don’t need to tell you.

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As for Microsoft, well today, it just\h
feels like a dry husk of what it was.

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"COME ONNNN. GIVE IT UP FOR MEEEE!"

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Remember scenes like this when\h
new operating systems came out…..

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Imagine that happening today with Windows\h
12. It wouldn’t. If anything there would\h\h

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be mild discontent that a new operating system\h
was being launched, presumably for the worse.

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In part, that’s due to the times, the changes\h
in how we use and approach computers. It’s\h\h

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also in part because computers just aren’t\h
as exciting as they used to be. But also,\h\h

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it’s because Microsoft just isn’t in the news\h
as much. It’s not the butt of as many jokes,\h\h

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and it certainly doesn’t have a CEO\h
who’s in the news for good or bad.

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Again, that position is now taken by someone else.

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Clearly as a society, we need a rich American\h
business tycoon to fill a certain weird void.

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But I’ll be honest, I miss it being Bill Gates.

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Until next time I’ve been Nostalgia Nerd.

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Toodleoo.